Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You ruined the universe
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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