Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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