the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
