Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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