remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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