Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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