sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
