and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
