I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
