Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
