My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
