Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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