Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
