who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
