I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
