Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
