false alarm. still invincible.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
