My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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