ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
