I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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