Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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