I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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