Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
