I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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