1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
