her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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