i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
he told me I talked like a deaf person
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
