so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She even gives head with a lisp.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
