i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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