My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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