Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
