I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
