got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
