Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
