this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
