remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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