i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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