So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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