I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
well most of my day revolves around power hour
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
