Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
