I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
