hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Randomize
