no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
