just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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