I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
