I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
