she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
