maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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