She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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