he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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