I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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