i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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